Ready to give up so I seek the Old Earth…

Changes in life: good things, things that are easy, things that are hard. [“I don’t want to hurt anyone. Especially not a woman.”]

I don’t think I’ve ever thought of myself as I do right now. Earlier, I was driving a beamer in the setting sun with the windows down, feeling expansive like a million miles on a million lonely highways and I had a thought that the three-years-ago me would love the me I am today. I like that feeling.

Back in the summer, when I was sick with the horrid cat scratch I had a moment of realization that this sickness was merely the manifestation of a change, a transcendence, a growth– the life I had been living was evolving, so I decided to quit my job, eat better food, ride my bike instead of drive, get all a’s and be more present in my reality instead of waiting for something so far away: “when it is meant to be it will be easy.”

And that’s what I feel. I feel easy, fluid, pure, yet verily unchanged.

I feel the hopeless/ hapless romanticism that lived inside me since I first became aware of the world has shifted– not to say it’s gone from me, but I feel steady and I know where I am and vaguely where I want to be.

[This post has been sitting here working on itself since the middle of the week.]

Wednesday: I love waking up in the houston autumn and being happy from the moment I wake up, getting on my bike and going to school and printing for five hours straight, and then having the afternoon to do with what I please. There is time to think about art and to make it.

Thursday: School all day long, as is my Thursday lately, went to Gingerman with Erin after watching that atrocity of a debate. “Crack smoke make my brain feel so strange”: Sarah Palins 12-foot tall, tattooed-liplined face projected in the Rice Cinema makes my brain feel so sad.

Friday: Brought my camcorder to the Mink to get some b-roll for my documentary on Rocko and Houston Hip-Hop. Witnessed my first cipher in the courtyard after the show. Strange how the camera incites, excites & ignites.

Saturday: Woke up hungover, displeased. Now am sitting at Rice smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. [End scene.]


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